Healing from Running

Early last week an old friend on mine posted on his facebook status that after four trips to the hospital, they have finally found out what is wrong with him. Cancer. Large tumor in his hip and 4 smaller ones in his lungs. Stage 4 cancer. Well. Hell. Back in the day (you know those days, premarriage and kids, when life was uncomplicated) I regarded him as a brother. Even tho over the years we have drifted away from each other he still occupies that position in my heart. I do not know about his prognosis but from everything I have read (the internet is a valuable tool as long as you are choosy about who you consider a reputable source) he maybe has the rest of the year, more or less. I felt so helpless to all the feelings this news had brought up in me. What if this were my last year? What would happen to my kids? What's going to happen to his girls? What about my family? What about his family? His parents have already buried one son and now to have to watch him die. As a parent I could not imagine the strength it would take to do that. In the end I did what I came naturally, I laced up my shoes and went for a run.

For the first mile or so all those thoughts still bounced in and out in my head. Soon I found myself balling my eyes out. My emotions finally got the better of me. As I pushed on, I was no longer running thinking of my friend and his situation but of my own morality. One day I would too would die and even tho I am not ready yet, too much still to accomplish. Too many places I still want to go, so many things I still want to do. All this life I still want to live but here I am being stagnate in my life. Going thru the motions every day but not getting any closer to where I want to be. All the stops here and now. I can continue to dwell on the "if and when" or get on with the here and now. While I was running I realized my reaction to his post was really so self-centered. "What if it were me." My reaction is not what I would have wanted to hear from people. I came in from my run and I simply replied to his post "I love you." Here and now all that I really felt was love for someone I will truly miss, someone I have truly missed in my life for a number of years.

Will my running take on new focus now, ABSOLUTELY! Through my running I have found a way to clean up my thoughts and bring front and center what is really going on in my mind. Running has brought me to an entirely new way to focus my inner self, which in the end will help me to become the person I still want to grow up to be.